Freedom

Freedom. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about that word. So many people crave a sense of untethered independence, to go about their lives, unfettered, to do all of the things that ignite their minds, bodies and spirits. To be, see and experience it all, to truly immerse themselves in the tapestry of life and live a life well-explored, full of joyous accounts and a deep sense of self.

Some of us never get that chance.

And I don’t necessarily mean me. I think a lot about the man who brutally attacked me that day. I often wonder what drove him to it, what deep and dark places his mind occupied, to succumb to such a depraved act. I often wonder if he will ever truly be free of his demons or if he will be doomed to fight off such darkness for the rest of his days.

I never got to engage in the restorative sessions I desperately sought for so many years. While I have spent time grieving over this over the past few months, and will probably experience deep pangs of regret each time I think about it, I often choose to turn to the things I do know: I know that I have received apologies and I know that a great deal of work has been undergone by us both to pursue a life of meaning and perhaps, if we are lucky, some joy.

Now, here is what I have been ruminating about some time: JOY. After watching my life decay and disintegrate before me after what happened, I wanted to make a clear, intentional change toward something better. Now that this chapter has seen its closure, it was time for me to write something new. I wanted to experience delirious, beautiful, consuming happiness, unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. I wanted to feel the dizzying excitement of something life-changing to look forward to and I was going to pursue this venture until my body ached from laughing, my cheeks were sore from smiling, my eyes were so wide with the beauty I was surveying and my heart was thumping hard with the beat of awe instead of fear.

I decided to travel, to get away – just for a bit, and do something for me. I am still passionate about my ongoing work in restorative justice and victim advocacy, and I feel that the drive to keep doing more in that field will never leave me. I just wanted a change, a shake-up, something different for a while. I write this on a plane bound for Europe, where I will spend two glorious months abroad, immersing myself in as much pleasure as I can to buoy my spirit and help heal my soul. My version of self- care and hitting the ‘re-set’ button on my mind that has been in turmoil for far too long.